I have been recovering from a sinus infection and bronchitis. I thought that after a week or so of antibiotics and other over the counter drugs that I was doing pretty well. The occasional cough, sure, but mostly I’m leaps and bounds better than I was a week ago. Really, you can barely tell I’m recovering. Sometimes I forget I’m recovering. But it didn’t take very long for me this morning to realize I was not myself.

When the first song began, I quickly came to the understanding that singing was difficult.

I like to sing. Now granted, I am not the best singer. But I love it. It is one of my favorite parts of gathering together with my brothers and sisters. I love singing praises to God and offering up spiritual sacrifices to our deserving Maker. But today…today it was different. Today, the high notes were mostly cracks and my breathing was labored and flem-ish the rest of the time (TMI?). And that’s when I thought that I really needed to be quiet. Not because it was hurting me, but because I was self-conscious that someone would hear me singing off key or cracking.

But that’s Satan creeping into my thoughts. Because honestly, it doesn’t matter how I sing. It doesn’t matter if I can’t hold a tune in a bucket or if my throats dry and cracking like it was today. It doesn’t matter if I can’t hit that note just right or if I’m slightly off on the tune. That should never, ever quell my desire to sing joyously, loudly, and excitedly to my King.

Yet I was having an inward struggle. I was supposed to be worshipping my God (as singing is a part of my worship to Him – Col. 316, Eph. 5:19). I was supposed to fixated on the lyrics, yet I was focused on myself, how I sounded, and if anyone would judge me if they heard how terrible it sounded. But that’s terrible! It’s terrible that I was focused on that, and it’s worse if those are actually our thoughts when we hear people who may be singing off key or whatnot. And I’ll be honest, the only reason I was having this inward struggle is because I’ve been guilty of having those thoughts.

When I contemplate singing to the Lord, truly singing out of gratefulness and thanksgiving and indebtedness, I lose those feelings. I lose the self-conscious feelings because God deserves a whole-hearted praise from my lips. I lose the feelings of judging someone who’s singing off key because I’m thankful they love the Lord enough to sing out about His love and grace and mercy. If I forget those things, though, and become too focused on what worship sounds like or feels like to me, then really I’ve missed the entire point of worship. Worship isn’t about me at all. It is about coming and offering a sacrifice to the One who fashioned the universe. And I don’t have to stand self-consciously before my Father when my voice is weak. He formed my voice, and He wants me to use it to bring honor and glory and praise to Him.

And so, when Blessed Assurance started, I was proud to boldly proclaim, “This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long.” Sure, it probably hurt some ears. And no, it wasn’t cute. But it was the truest statement in the world at that moment, and I couldn’t help but smile and give my all to my King.

Oh, sing to the Lord a new song!
For He has done marvelous things; (Psalm 98:1)