You may or may not know, but I am pregnant with my second child. My husband and I found out pretty early – I was only around 4 weeks pregnant (and already getting sick, yay!). As you might know if you have a child, the joy that comes from those initial moments after finding out (all the while having some fears about miscarriage) is overwhelming. You know that there is life inside of you and it is so extremely exciting every step of the way.
Unless you’ve had postpartum depression. Then, people’s comments can sometimes make that hard.
Here are some things I heard when we told people we were having another baby:
“Oh, are you happy about *it?”
“Did you plan for *it?”
“I didn’t think you were going to have anymore children since you had such a hard time after your first.”
“I was convinced you were done.”
Here’s the thing about postpartum depression – having it doesn’t mean I don’t love my child or want more children. Having it doesn’t mean I hate being a mom. Having it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have anything to do with children and that I don’t want to risk having it again by having another child.
Having postpartum depression was not a choice I made based on how hard being a mom is. It was not something I decided I’d go through. It is a mental illness. And just like all other illnesses, you have to treat it and go on. If it isn’t curable, you have to endure and persevere and pray pray pray, but you just go on. While mood disorders and mental health issues seem different because they often affect only the moods and minds of those who are suffering instead of the physical appearance, some might want to categorize them as made up or not that bad. Some even told me that life situations had something to do with the fact that I got postpartum depression after my first child was born. You wouldn’t say someone who is in a toxic relationship that that relationship somehow created a heart defect that sent them to the emergency room, or that someone who was going through a very stressful time in their life brought leukemia upon themselves. These are all statements and mindsets born out of foolishness. No one wants a mental illness. But having a mental illness doesn’t define you. Yes, I had postpartum depression. But having that didn’t define me or my motherhood.
I love my daughter so much I feel like my heart could explode. Even in those early days when I knew something was wrong – because I didn’t want to hold her to touch her – I never doubted I loved her. I have endured and triumphed and overcome because of my love for her and because of my trust in God’s plan for me. Having postpartum depression didn’t make me regret having her; nothing could be farther from the truth. I will gladly endure having postpartum depression again if it means I get to love my little boy like I love his big sister.
A child is not a burden; a child is always always always a blessing. And while my motherhood journey thus far hasn’t been everything I thought it would be before I had kids, it is exactly what God always knew it would be. I am thankful to be in His care, and thankful for my sweet babies – both of them – and no amount of mental illness will change that. It will make some days hard, for sure. But on those hard days, please be a part of the solution and not the problem. Reach out to those you know who are struggling and offer encouragement and support and joy and a listening ear. Even if your “advice” is from a sincere place, please guard your tongue from things that could be potentially devastating to those of us who have a very fragile mental state.
Yes, I had postpartum depression. Yes, I could have it again. Yes, statistically if you’ve had it once you are more likely to have it again. Yes, some statistics say it could be a higher probability if you are having a boy. But YES, I love my children. YES, I want and adore this baby boy. YES, I will endure whatever I have to in this life to be faithful to my God, even if it isn’t something I want to have to deal with.
